


The Desolation of Honesty

by Nevi



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Hurt, Renegade Commander Shepard, possible triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-16
Updated: 2012-11-16
Packaged: 2017-11-18 19:06:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/564279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nevi/pseuds/Nevi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard finds out about Garrus and Tali's relationship and is forced to confront her feelings for Garrus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for this prompt on MEK:
> 
> "I'm in the process of replaying ME3 again, this time romancing Garrus, and noticed that some of the dialogue between Tali and he is the same as if they end up together if he isn't romanced (like "you always keep things at a distance" and stuff).  
> My first reaction was Dammit Garrus, We are in a relationship so stop flirting with Tali! Why do I feel like I just walked in on a super private moment between the two when I just went to see the both and they didn't want to talk?
> 
> I know, I know...totally unprovoked emotional reaction to a video game *blush*
> 
> So, got me thinking - I'd like to see a story where Femshep is jealous of Tali. I think this would be an interesting opportunity to explore Shepards emotional side, especially since she's not the type you'd think of to be jealous. Could be that she is super vulnerable at this time with all the increased demands on her, doubting herself after all the shit that's happened, slightly AU where she and Garrus haven't done anything yet and she thinks he doesnt like her, so on...
> 
> Since this is kinkmeme, Id love to see some emotion-affirming sexytimes but totally understand if it can't be worked in.
> 
> Or maybe I'm just crazy :) "
> 
> Originally posted: June 17, 2012

If Shepard was honest with herself it started the first time they met, all those years ago in the council chambers of the Citadel. When she had gazed into his piercing blue eyes and he had not wavered; unlike so many others had under her harsh glare. She remembered standing there for what seemed to be an eternity sizing him up, trying to figure out his place in this mess that had begun on Eden Prime, with what had been so falsely called a _shakedown run_. He was taller than her, long fringe and sharp teeth, blue swatches of colour swept gracefully across the space below those piercing blue eyes, and from mandible to mandible, he had that slim form all turians seemed to possess, that form that said _hunter_. They had stood there staring until Alenko had broken her from his gaze reminding her they still had to see the council.

If she was honest it had been then, but it was the slow burn after which caused it to hurt. The long hours tinkering on the MAKO after she had thrown it off some cliff on some back world yet again; him teasing her as she tried to bend out some dent and she would make some remark about “fucking woman drivers” and he would laugh in that beautiful dual toned voice of his. Friendship that had developed easily after she agreed to let him join her team, he’d taken too her harshness easily, like the krogan; Wrex. It was something not many could. Sure they would fear her, treat her with awe or respect, but few would sit with her for long hours talking about gun mods or music. She was use to keeping most at a distance, and letting someone see under her Commander mask was rare. 

Relationships with the rest of the crew were mostly cool and calculated on her part, sure she would embrace and laugh easily with them, but for her it was nothing more than professionalism, her Commander mask always firmly in place. But for some reason he always saw through it, even saw that extra spark of red in her eyes during a revenge mission, and seemed to know how she relived Torfan every time she watched as someone put a bullet through the head of their closest enemy. How her lips would twitch in a humourless smile. He’d tried talking to her about it once and what little of the Commander mask that had slipped while around him glued back together quickly and she had let him see nothing more than the Commander until he left the ship.

A death, an Archangel, and a resurrection fell between them the next time Shepard gazed into his piercing blue eyes. She could see a hardness that had moved into his face, but for a brief moment looking into his eyes caused the skip of a heart beat and a genuine smile had graced her features as her arms spread wide. 

“ _Garrus!_ ” The sound of raw emotion coming from her own mouth had made her realize the mask had momentarily fallen and she quickly moved it back into place, but she saw a flicker in his eyes then, a flicker she wouldn’t see again till the story of a recon scout and of _reach and flexibility_.

Shepard wished now, that she had told him then. But instead they had laughed and talked about sparring and old conquests and she had spent another night alone in the whispers of her death. _Conquests_ she’d thought bitterly. Any warm body that had ever graced her sheets had been nothing more than a fleeting moment of needing to _blow off steam_. She had known then, as he used the same words to her about the recon scout; that he was more than that. If she were to allow him to take up the cold spot beside her that she would never be able to let him go. She knew that the warmth of him would melt her mask away and even if she would not admit it, that nakedness scared her. 

In her mind she thought it was for the best, and so she tried to silence the whispering ache of her heart in drink and in battle. She would sit with a strong drink and let her mind drown on the image of him, older and with family. His beautiful bond mate and children that he would show to her proudly, his eyes searching hers for approval, approval that she would readily give because it was _him_. If she were to be honest, she was looking forward to going out in her final blaze of glory if only to silence that whispering in her heart.

What had never crossed her mind was seeing him with someone now. She knew they were finally near the end of their journey, one that had taken them from Sovereign to suicide, and now the possibility of the end to all life with the Reapers final assault. But it had never occurred to her that he may look for comfort in another. Shepard saw so many others do it in these end times but he had always been her rock, only now she realized she had never been his; and as she’d walked into the main battery of the ship she commanded she felt that rock roll away leaving her off balance and sick. 

Behind her eyes burned the fires of a thousand stars going supernova and it took all of her strength not to charge the woman that had her arms wrapped around him now. To slam her pretty purple head in to the Thanix cannon behind them until the mask covering her face cracked and the shards cut into her face and eyes spilling her quarian blood till it covered the floor in slick reverence. Shepard had always thought their relationship to be platonic, one not unlike that of a brother or sister. She had heard them banter and laugh together but the black hole she felt herself spinning down as she watched them detangle from each other in surprise, told her she never expected this. 

The commander mask fell and shattered at her feet as she looked at them with fierce betrayal. What little trust and love that remained in her cold heart after Mindoir and Torfan died in the liquid pools of his eyes as she stared at him. They fumbled and bumbled in front of her and all she could see was raging hot lava. She wanted to hurt him, to hurt her, the military training of turian and quarian weak points suddenly flittering through her mind. Instead she managed to sputter out: “I’m happy for you both.” A lie, a lie she knew he would see easily through. She took the last of her strength and turned and walked out, impressed that her legs didn’t give out on her, that she managed to calmly walk away from what she had just seen even with every muscle in her body telling her to run.

She could feel the sharp tendrils of guilt tighten in her chest as she made her way to the elevator, overcome with the need to be as far from what she had walked in on as possible. She suddenly regretted ever letting that young quarian girl on her ship, allowing her a place on her crew. She wanted nothing more than to go back in time and tell her to continue her pilgrimage elsewhere. A sickness rolled through her as she fought that thought, reminding herself that Tali had never been anything but loyal. Something Shepard couldn’t really say of some of the others that had floated through her life. It wasn’t as if Shepard had made her feelings known, hell she had been doing her best to hide them from herself.

When she finally stumbled into her quarters she looked at the false facets of her humanity and they made her sick. The pale blue glow of the empty fish tank that covered the left side of the room illuminated everything. Her broken helmet and old dog tags taunted her from their place on her desk, the towering display case filled with ships of every race reflected her form and she could see the red burn of the cybernetics under her skin, telling her she was nothing more than a Frankenstein monster created for one purpose, and that purpose didn’t include falling in love.

Feral instincts and shattered glass fell heavy on the room as she ripped and tore. A strangled snarl erupting from her throat and she looked at her unarmoured arms sliced with jagged, already healing cuts of every depth. Blood dripped from her finger tips as she collapsed to her knees, the light from the fish tank dancing off the fallen glass causing the floor to rival the view of the overhead observation window, shards glinting like a thousand stars, broken model ships lying in ruins, a testament of a lost battle.


	2. Chapter 2

He found her like that, breathing heavy into her chest, eyes glowing like cinders but seeing nothing, palms open on the floor coloured red in defeat. 

“Shepard?” He whispered softly. A miniscule twitch of her shoulders, a movement that had it been anyone else would have gone unnoticed.

He walked cautiously toward her, lowing himself in front of her and slithering his talons over her hands gently entwining her fingers with his.

“I…” He began. He was cut off as she raised her eyes to his, the red glow dissipated and a worn look crossed her features, something that would never cross the face of the great Commander Shepard, and in that moment he knew he was looking at someone else, her first name a whisper on his next breath.

“I’m tired Garrus.” A weak sound escaped her throat, causing his mandibles to close tightly to his face. He gathered her up into his arms and crushed her into his chest. She felt thin as he lifted her from the floor and he wondered when she had last eaten, when she had last slept. The hollowness of her cheeks and the dark shadows below her eyes told him it had been too long. _Spirits, when had he gotten so selfish?_

He knew she had been spending long hours in the war room and the CIC, pouring over report upon report on the Reapers movements, of progress on the Crucible, a weapon they found themselves pouring all their resources into. And Shepard, she had the weight of it all on her shoulders, everyone looking at her for answers. He felt guilt creep into him as he realized he hadn’t been there when she had needed him most, instead he had gone looking for his own comfort elsewhere. He really was a bad turian.

He lowered her on her bed and when he was satisfied she wasn’t going to go anywhere he went and grabbed some medi-gel from her bathroom. She watched him with glassy eyes as he kneeled beside the bed and gently slathered the cuts on her arms. But when he would raise his eyes to meet hers she would quickly turn away.

“I’m sorry.” He said after a while. “I told you before I was a bad turian.” Her head snapped up and he briefly caught the fire in her eyes before it tired out again.

“No.” she snapped. “No, you are not going to dump on me that you’re only here out of some fucking sense of duty.” She wretched her arms from his grasp. “Get out.” She pointed fiercely toward the door, but he saw the dampness in her eyes.

“No.” He responded, getting to his feet

“That was a fucking order, Vakarian.” She seethed through gritted teeth.

He towered over her, causing her to have to turn her face up toward him in a way he knew she hated. It was the council chambers all over again. Him refusing to bow to the intensity of her gaze as she bore into him with everything she had left. He was so focused on her eyes he didn’t see her hand come up. 

She grasped his cowl and with a furious tug, pulled his face to hers, startling him as she crushed her lips into the hard plates of his mouth. His eyes widened into surprise and he saw she was still staring into him, and for a moment he was blind.


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard had gone through life with things being constantly taken from her. Her family on Mindoir ripped from the mortal coil by batarian slavers, her life by the collectors, even her death by Cerberus, all stolen. Her actions on Torfan, while fueled by revenge had made her a case study. A figure people looked to, and in her violent need to _get the job done_ ; she had become a hero, a bloody icon, ruthless and unwavering, and people continued to take. They touted her as a hero, or a monster, and stole from her to gain hope or fury, to inspire or fear. Never once did anyone ever try to see her though, to try and peek behind the mask that so fluidly moved on her features it was hard to tell there was anyone other than the _Great Commander Shepard_ behind her cold eyes.

Shepard had worked hard at keeping it that way, at building her wall; becoming the fine blade of a sword as she led troops and the sharp snake tongue as she swayed politicians. Knowing full well that the galaxy would continue to take until nothing was left but a broken woman; a woman that knew she would die and from her death they would take again raising her to Legend. A scared little girl from Mindoir pilfered in a one last indignity.

That was until Garrus Vakarian. Even without his signature visor, she knew he saw right through her. She may have been the fiery star the galaxy orbited, but he was the galactic tide. He had so effortlessly chiseled away at her façade it had been too late by the time she noticed. When around him she had laughter that reached her eyes, easiness and camaraderie that rarely showed around others. Garrus like a good infiltrator had made it behind her fences and found that scared little girl from Mindoir, had offered his hand to her and she’d accepted. 

Now she felt like a fool. The humiliation of it, realizing he was only there out of some sick turian sense of duty. _Had he ever truly cared for her?_ Or was he just another person there to _take?_

He had towered over her, she knew he had done it on purpose, knew how much she hated it. She glared up at him and in the moment that she was going to force him from her chambers, she saw that flicker again. Her hand that had been curling itself in a fist to strike him suddenly changed direction on its own accord and grasped his cowl. Pulling his face towards her, she decided it was her turn to _take_. 

Her soft lips met the hard but pliable plates of his mouth and she darted her tongue into his shocked gasp as she desperately tried to find purchase. A pleased moan rumbling in the back of her throat as his tongue briefly pushed back in a tango with hers. His hands grasped her shoulders hard and for the briefest of moments he pulled her closer before shoving her backward onto the bed. A startled noise escaped her throat as she gazed into his predator eyes, the light of the fish tank glinting softly off the plates of his face causing an odd light to halo around his features and she could see why they had called him Archangel. 

He was a raging pillar of light and for the first time in Shepard’s life she felt the overwhelming need to look away, but she couldn’t. It was watching a sky car accident in slow motion as he stumbled back to his feet, a look of anger, hurt and betrayal etched on his face and the unmistakable flicker of lust in his eyes. His talons were still slick with her blood and when he ran a hand across his face in disbelief it left new red markings, _her mark._

_Let Tali see him now._ A self-satisfied smirk began to draw itself on her lips.

“ _Spirits_ , Shepard.” He growled. 

Her eyebrows furrowed and her eyes grew dark as she watched him turn and leave. With every clank of his digitigrade boots hitting the metal floor, she saw a gaping chasm grow wider and wider.


	4. Chapter 4

_Breathe in; breathe out, in, out, in, out_

It was a mantra in his head. _What. Just. Happened?_ Garrus swung his head looking bewildered around the elevator. He caught his image in a reflective surface as he paced in the small area and his eyes went wide, mouth tumbling slightly agape as he stopped and began to slowly trace the blood stains that now graced his features. _Her blood_. He could still taste her, an odd bittersweet taste on his tongue. He could remember the feel of her hot breath and he traced a talon over the spot she had kissed him and shook his head. 

What had it been? A few hours since Tali had come to see him in the main battery? He remembered how they had been talking, one-upping one another on stories of previous missions. He remembered how it turned to flirting and the way she had run her hand up his arm, her large glowing eyes looking up at him from under the purple cover of her helmet. Things had progressed from there, and he had been enjoying the warmth of her seeping through her suit when Shepard had walked in. 

He had seen the fire in Shepard’s eyes, the hollowness in her words. How they had all stood there awkwardly for far too long. At the time he didn’t understand what was going through Shepard’s mind, but the way she had walked away told him to follow. When he’d gotten to her quarters he sure as hell didn’t expect what he walked in on, or what had happened.

He had always felt a touch of pride in being one of the Commander’s good friends, being one of the few she had opened up too. He wasn’t stupid; he knew she didn’t hold most friendships close. But he had thought she didn’t want him that way. Looking back there wasn’t many signs, he remembered at one point even giving her an opening to see if maybe there was something more, but nothing came of it.

His mandibles closed tight to his face as he lifted his head to stare blankly at the ceiling. He knew that he would follow her into hell, let her lead him to an early grave. _But this? Now?_ He breathed out an irritated sigh and rubbed at the back of his neck in an all too human gesture he’d picked up.

There was a time that Garrus would have jumped to be with Shepard, albeit he was sure half the galaxy felt the same. He respected her. The way she fought enemies head on. She was like a wildfire gone untamed, laying wreckage in her wake. From his position always on her six, he would marvel in her gracefulness as she slid into cover or over objects, as she charged into the fray and came out the other side grinning, eyes awash in flame. She was beautiful in her own way, he knew that.

Just like Tali was beautiful. A life living in enviro-suits had made her expressive in the way her body moved, the way her voice resonated, sharp mind and wicked curves. They had been through a lot together working with Shepard, and they had both grown so much.

He exited the elevator on the crew deck and made a sharp turn to the washroom. He had to wipe off any evidence of what happened in her quarters, if only for Shepard’s sake. While he splashed water on his face he thought about it more, a heaviness creeping its way into his chest. He’d told Shepard once, that she was probably the only friend he had in this screwed up galaxy. Now as he thought about it more he wondered if maybe it was the other way around.

When he was satisfied he’d gotten rid of the evidence on his face and armour he made his way to engineering to see Tali. He'd promised to meet her after he checked on Shepard and she was likely to be wondering where he was by now. 

Her whole form seemed to brighten when she saw him walk in. He could feel his mandibles flare slightly in response. 

“Is Shepard okay?” Tali asked. “Did you find out why she was down to see you? It’s not a trip to somewhere with lots of banshees is it?” Her eyes widened behind her mask. “Those warped asari Husks… Keelah, every time I hear that wail...” She shuddered lightly and looked up at him, placing her three digit hand on his chest.

He laughed. He couldn’t help it. “Hmm, while I’m certain there will be missions with far too many banshees yet to come...” He paused and set a hand on her waist. “There is nothing immediate, and Shepard is… well Shepard…” He let his voice trail off as his arm slid around her back and pulled her closer. 

“She seemed pretty upset. I don’t think I’ve seen her like that before. I… I was a little worried.” She tilted her head at him questioning. The interior light of the ship reflecting off her mask momentarily, obscuring what little of her face he could see.

“She has a lot on her shoulders right now, we all do. She just needs some rest.” He tilted his head down to her. “Speaking of, we should probably do the same.” 

“Your place? Or Mine?” was her coy reply.

* * *

As they made their way to the crew deck one image kept circling Garrus’ thoughts, and it wasn’t about the woman whose hip his hand currently resided on. It was the hollow, sunken features of a woman who was burning. His mind kept focusing him back on Shepard; back to only friend I have in this screwed up galaxy. 

“Tali?” Garrus paused as they stepped off the elevator. He walked towards the memorial wall that stood just outside the elevator doors. He put his hands behind his back as he looked over the names, stood there in remembrance of the fallen. Their faces briefly flickering through his mind’s eye as Tali stood beside him snaking her arm into the crook of his elbow, and leaning her head on his shoulder. 

“Hmmm?” She asked.

He was glad she wasn’t turian as his sub-vocals wavered for a moment. “Can I ask you an odd question?” 

She looked up at him quizzically, he could see her eyes furrow slightly behind the face plate. “What is it?”

He looked down at her, his eyes searching hers. He already knew the answer to the question he was about to ask. It was how she would respond that worried him, whether she knew it or not.

He could feel his throat tighten. “What is Shepard’s favorite colour?”

Her reaction would have been comical, the way her whole body twisted and how he saw her eyebrow rise beneath her mask. He knew he would have laughed if he didn’t feel like everything was riding on this simple, inane question.

“Tali?” He gripped her shoulders, putting his face flush with hers. There was another waver in his sub-tonals and he could feel apprehension move in.

She looked at him like she thought he was playing some joke. Part of him wanted to laugh it off, say _never mind._ But some sick desperation clung at him, he needed to know. She was one of the people on the ship _who should know_ , the way she was stammering was making his throat and chest constrict. “An easier one then: What is her favorite type of music?” His voice was tight.

“I…I…”Tali looked at him incredulously. “Garrus, why …”

“What is her go to gun mod? Where did she grow up?” He all but growled, squeezing her shoulders tighter.

“Min…Mindoir…” She stammered out. 

He let her go. _Mindoir_. That was public knowledge, something anyone looking up Shepard on the extranet would know. Tali had been with them since the beginning, he thought, he _hoped_ , she would know. And in her failure, he had his answer: _only friend I have in this screwed up galaxy_. 

He pulled her into a tight hug, which she returned cautiously. “I’m sorry Tali.” He whispered into the hooded material covering her hair. “There’s something I need to look after right now.” He let her go. Regret seeping into his chest as he turned and walked away from her, moving toward the main battery. He didn’t turn when he heard her get back on the elevator. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in her form. He didn’t want her to see the pain on his face.

He had something to finish with Shepard. He knew he couldn’t be with Tali until he had. He could feel a darkness move into his chest, a shadow crossing his features, and an image of a woman burning in self-immolation searing itself behind his eyes.

* * *

Garrus wasn’t just angry, he was livid. He felt fury boil in his cyan blood, how did he let her get under his plates like that? He stormed toward the main battery. The image of Shepard kneeling in broken glass kept playing through his head; he had never seen her quite so raw before. There had been flickers of it in her eyes previously, certain missions that had maybe sliced their way under her skin like a fillet knife; touching sharply, but not for long enough that it would show to anyone that didn’t know _her_.

That was it, wasn’t it? It was that his keen sniper eyes had seen it. That he was probably the only person on the damn Normandy that knew the real Shepard. He felt the anger in his blood begin to roll itself tightly into his chest. 

“Garrus?”

He hadn’t realized he’d stopped at the bottom stair leading toward the main battery. He took a moment looking at his feet ascending the stair case, wondering if he should just pretend he hadn’t heard and keep walking.

He swung his head to the side to take in the asari, her bright blue eyes looking at him with concern as she leaned a hip against the counter top of the open kitchen he was in the midst of passing. Her lightly freckled face and soft fringe framed lightly in the white glow of the slowly closing refrigerator.

“Liara.” 

He contemplated for a moment if she would know the answers to the questions he had asked Tali. Liara had been there at the start; she was smart and, in another life had melded her mind with Shepard’s. That line of thinking shattered as he remembered it was her job to know inane details about the going on of the galaxy. Chances were if she did know, it was from data mining and stolen memories from embracing eternity.

 _Still_. 

She looked at him expectantly as he opened then closed his jaw again trying to figure out the words he wanted to say.

“Is everything okay Garrus? You look…troubled.”

He let out a heavy sigh, watching as she popped a piece of food into her mouth. She continued to watch him thoughtfully as she chewed. 

The image of a woman with sunken cheeks danced in his eyes.

“I am Liara” he paused. “It’s about Shepard. I don’t think she has been getting much to eat lately, could you bring her something?” He didn’t know much about human cuisine, but he was sure Liara knew enough to find something presentable. Maybe it would even take a load off Shepard. The knot in his chest lightened a little. 

Liara nodded slowly, her eyes still watching him carefully. “Is that it?”

 _No_. He thought. He kept his gaze steady. 

“Yes.” 

He felt like it may have been a dirty trick but he was worried about Shepard. He knew he couldn’t face her yet. He still had to work out what he was going to say to her, what he was going to do; _how to make it out alive_. 

He knew sending Liara up there without warning her was wrong. But he knew the asari could hold her own against Shepard. In Liara’s journey to become the Shadow Broker, the most infamous yet nameless figure of the galaxy, she had grown a tough hide. 

He was fairly certain Shepard wouldn’t harm her. 

_Hopefully_.


	5. Chapter 5

Shepard sat on the couch in her quarters, a shot gun and pistol laying in pieces on the small table in front of her. She picked up the Carnifex looking it over. _I should get a new extended barrel for this thing_. She felt the annoying trickle of water down her neck and ran a hand over her still damp hair. A small growl escaped her throat as she dropped that hand to her fresh fatigues to wipe away the moisture, still spinning the pistol in her other grip. A cold shower had only helped so much; she needed the focus of modifying her weapons to clear her mind.

“Shepard?” A quiet voice came from the entrance and Shepard moved her eyes slightly to assess the blue asari standing in her doorway, Shepard could see she had a tray of food in her hands and She would be lying if she said it didn’t look and smell good.

“Liara” She nodded gruffly and returned her attention to the pistol in her hands, picking up a fresh heat sink.

“Garrus asked if I would bring you some food.” Shepard could feel the muscles in her shoulders tense momentarily at his name, but if Liara noticed, she didn’t show it. “By the Goddess, what happened in here?”

Shepard popped the heat sink into the pistol loudly and turned to her. “The Alliance can’t be bothered to provide a broom.” She said sweeping a hand dismissively toward the mess of broken glass and blood still covering the floor. _“What the fuck does it look like?”_

Liara jumped slightly, but made her way to Shepard’s desk with the tray and set it down, pushing a pile of datapads to the side. “You need to eat something Shepard.” She looked at her, hands on her hips defiantly. “I’ll be back in a bit, and I’ll find you something to clean this mess up with.” She motioned to the floor but kept her gaze on Shepard. Shepard stared at Liara coldly till the asari turned on her own accord and exited the room.

_Fuck_. Shepard attached the pistol to her belt and stood up; walking over to the food Liara had left. She looked at it for a moment before slamming her fist down on the tray and letting the meal tumble to the floor. She didn’t know what his game was sending Liara up to her, but she was in no mood to play it. She turned and walked out of her quarters. _Unlike the rest of these assholes_ she thought bitterly, moving into the elevator. _I still have a war to win_.

She punched the button for the CIC.

* * *

_War_.

Or more, the things that came with war were Commander Shepard’s domain, weapons and armour, tactics and ruthless calculus; the sting of adrenaline and the cold thrill of battle. She poured over the reports:

Reapers landed... planet dark.

Husk, Cannibal, Marauder, Ravager, Banshee, Brute: Reaper Troops swarming more and more ground.

Hundreds dead, thousands, millions.

She leaned back in the chair, her feet resting on the war terminal. With the diplomats who had occupied the war room long gone, she found it a bit of sanctuary. No one really came in here anymore, there really wasn’t much need; the final plan of assault in progress, even the guards who were usually stationed outside were currently gone. Probably sleeping or drinking or fucking, desperately trying to savour what could very well be their last night cycle breathing.

She pressed fingers to the bridge of her nose and sighed.

Once upon a time there had been a little girl from Mindoir, born in blood and anguish. Her fairy tale prince, a sharp dragon with soft hide and grey plates that illuminated in the harsh light of space stations and ships. She had never been a damsel in distress, if anything; she had more often played the role of the knight. But she was a knight bathed in red, in green and cyan and purple, in blood of many races, of faces long forgotten and never seen. Her prince, a blue flame; scorching her armour and causing her to desperately look for solace in the cold of her heart.

She had calmed considerably with her focus being redirected, but her thoughts would eventually circle back to a beautiful quarian, her arms wrapped around Shepard’s silver and blue dragon prince. Shepard’s life had never been a fairy tale.

She let her feet drop unceremoniously to the floor so she could lean her head forward to touch the cool metal of the war terminal that took up the centre of the room, a circle of personal terminals standing guard silently around the edge.

She closed her eyes to the room, listening to the soft hum of the ship and her ragged breaths. How had she let herself blister like that? She had been doing so well at hiding her feelings, and then that flare of pure jealously had unravelled everything. She could feel her walls cracking under the strain. War and battle had always been her forte but this one... this one sat heavy on her shoulders, the whispers of her death were getting louder, the nightmares darker; black tendrils wrapping around her while she burned brightly in the centre, slowly swallowing her fire and pulling her into the shadows...


	6. Chapter 6

He thought about Tali, down in engineering wondering what had happened. He thought about Shepard in her quarters with nothing but the silent hum of an empty fish tank and shattered glass. He remembered when he had met Shepard all those years ago, so naive and young he had been then, his eyes hadn’t yet seen a quarter of the atrocities he’d witnessed in the years since. He could still remember meeting Tali for the first time, rescuing her from those thugs. His mandibles flared in a small smile when he remembered some of the things he had said to Tali in the long elevator rides on the citadel, his head shaking slightly at the embarrassment of it now.

He leaned a hip against the terminal for the Thanix canon. The main battery had always been his slice of sanctuary, rolling his talons over firing algorithms, his vacation from the heat of war. His eyes flickered to the crate he’d set up in the corner to work on his guns. He thought about the long hours a fiery woman had sat there, keeping him company in companionable silence.

Now his heart sat in knots, as he contemplated two very different women. It was definitely not a situation he had ever expected himself to be. Throw mercenaries and gunships, Reapers and Collectors at Garrus Vakarian and he would make it out alive. He wasn’t sure if he would with the outcome of this.

He was startled when the doors to the main battery opened suddenly, relief washing over him as he saw it was Liara; at least until he saw the fury in her eyes. _Great, another woman mad at you_. This one at least he thought he could handle.

“Could have warned me Garrus.” She crossed her arms in front of her.

“Sorry, but if it had been me… Well I’m not sure I’d have to be worrying about Reapers anymore.” He sighed and looked at the ceiling.

“What happened?”

His eyes snapped back to the asari. Her eyes growing soft with concern, “There was a lot of damage up there.”

What was he supposed to say? That his best friend had some sort of breakdown and kissed him? His mouth went slack with words that never seemed to make it to his tongue. Eventually he gave up and just walked passed her. It was Shepard he needed to talk to anyway.

“EDI said she was in the war room.” Liara’s voice called from behind him.

He walked toward the elevator to head to the CIC. Synapses firing at level red as he summoned the words to tell Shepard.

* * *

The war room was quiet.

Worse, he didn’t see Shepard when he first entered. His thoughts still in overload, warning signals flashing at high speeds telling him to search for the shadows; places he could hide or where someone else might already be hiding. As he descended cautiously into the centre of the room he saw her.

Her left arm was laying on part of the war terminal, her face buried partially in the crook of her elbow, her other arm hanging limply in her lap as she sat slack in a chair by the terminal.

He walked as softly as he could towards her. He could see her shoulders moving lightly as she took in another soft breath.

_Sleeping_.

His breath caught in his throat as he watched her. Eventually he made his way to her side, crouching down against the console, letting his head and fringe lean lightly against it. He was captivated. Her features looked soft, far softer then he had ever seen them. It made her look young and almost vulnerable. His chest tightened and he felt a lump in his throat. It made him want to do everything in his power to protect the woman in his sights, to follow her until they had killed every last demon in both the galaxy and their hearts.

“Shepard?” She didn’t stir and he let out a heavy sigh.

“Remember when we were on Ilos?” He leaned heavier into the terminal, watching her soft breaths. “When you ran over those Geth colossus?” He let out a soft chuckle and continued to talk softly to her. “I remember thinking; as the MAKO made that sickening crunch; which by the way I’d have been working on that for weeks if it hadn’t been completely destroyed moments later. I had been thinking; that if you were turian, I would be asking you to be my bond mate.”

“But I was also pretty sure that we were about to die.” He reached up and ran a finger softly along her cheek and jaw. “That fire Shepard, your fire. It’s what we all feed off. It’s what I know the Reapers fear, its hope and courage and strength; and I know you think you’re alone in this but you’re not. I’ll always be right behind you.”

“But I need you to know…” another heavy sigh “now… now, I’m just too…” He stopped as he felt the cold metal against his temple, the soft pressure telling him he wasn’t imagining it. He slipped a hand around her wrist feeling the solid weight of the gun in her hand, and he watched as long lashes parted to reveal flame.


	7. Chapter 7

She slowly rolled one eye open towards him, most of her face still buried in her arm leaning on the console. “What the fuck, Vakarian?” her words dripping with vitriol. She slowly raised her head to look at him fully. “Anyone ever tell you it’s rude to wake someone when they’re sleeping?” She kept the pistol clocked to his temple.

She had only realised he was there when she felt his caress on her face. Exhaustion had paid a heavy toll, and in the last pin pricks of sleep she had been listening to his beautiful voice, but the last few words were a sentence she didn’t want to hear finish.

He slipped his talons around her wrist holding the gun, her pulse beating against his grip. She stared coldly into his eyes as he snaked his other arm around her waist. A growl ripped from his throat as he wretched her close. She could feel the warmth of his faceplates against her forehead and nose as they crushed with intensity into his, his hot breath filling her senses. “Shepard” a warning tone in his sub-vocals. Her eyes were beginning to cloud over staring into his eyes, beginning to waver under his glare; her heart beating hard in her chest. She breathed him in, relishing the moment; gun oil and metal, _home_. She kept the Carnifex pressed to his head as she closed the last gap between them, her tongue tracing the plates of his mouth, she used her other hand to softly caress his fringe and was pleased when it elicited a purring rumble from his chest. He’d closed his eyes too her, hand still gripped tightly around her wrist and the pistol at his temple.

She licked the tip of a mandible and when another lusty sound escaped his throat, she pressed; “Tali can’t do what I can for you.”

A surprised moan escaped her throat as he pushed her back into the war terminal, his hips pressing heavy into hers, a leg pressed between her thighs, he moved her so fluidly she barely felt the gun move and she looked into his predator eyes. She could see her own reflected in them, hers heavy with lust and flame. He pushed his face into the crook of her neck and she let her pistol hand drop slowly, his breath causing goose bumps to grace her skin. She let her lips brush against the side of his face stopping at his auditory canal.

She threw her cards on the table, leaving herself exposed and she was too tired to care anymore. At the end of it all she had to be honest with him. She couldn’t handle the cuts it made in her heart anymore; holding it close hadn’t done her any good. In these last hours of her war she needed him to know.

“I love you, Garrus Vakarian.” She breathed, feeling it hitch in her throat. She felt him stiffen slightly and she could feel his mandible twitch against her cheek. He breathed in deeply and it felt like an eternity before he spoke, his breath caressing her ear.

“I am just _too close_ to love you.” He rumbled in her ear. A finished sentence she didn’t want to hear.

She could feel hot fury burn behind her eyes. Her lips trembled as he pulled back to look at her. She expected hatred in his features, but all she saw was sadness, and that made it cut even deeper. A hard lump formed in her throat and she found it hard to breathe in the rolling darkness washing over her. He lowered his forehead down to hers, letting them touch briefly before he turned and walked out of the war room. As he headed out of view she saw an object fall from his talons.

She looked blurrily at the pistol still in her hand, its weight feeling heavy suddenly in her grip. She could feel a wet burn build in her eyes and it took her a moment to notice the heat sink was missing from her gun. She looked back to the object left on the floor, closing her eyes to the sudden onslaught filling her sight and rolling hot down her cheeks inflaming the cybernetic scars.

_Fuck_.


	8. Epilogue

There was no Shepard without Vakarian she’d told him at the end, one last conversation before the final storm; and in the dark hours of the night, his heart would whisper to him that was the reason the last vanguard of humanity never returned. In those dark hours when he would close his eyes and see her in a beam of light, burning so brightly he has to shield his eyes. Despite what had happened between them, she was still his best friend. But in the desolation of honesty, he’d found it difficult to be more.

He hadn’t lied when he said he’d buy her drinks at the bar if things went sideways. It had been his way of telling her to come back to him. He missed his friend, the woman that sat with him, keeping him company for long hours while he tinkered on the MAKO, or while he calibrated the Thanix canon. The woman who would go to hell and back for the galaxy, who would fight for those that were still out there. She may have been a hard woman, but he had seen the sliver of softness at her core, had touched it and been engulfed in its beauty.

A soft keening sound escaped his throat.

“Garrus?” a voice thick with sleep tossed beside him, an arm thrown protectively over his chest.

He didn’t say anything, just gently ran his talons though her hair. She was already back asleep anyway.

He lowered his face to the top of her head and breathed her in. He glanced out the window into the darkness, unobstructed stars guiding him back into sleep.

_Shepard_.


End file.
